If life were this easy.......

“You love my son don’t you?” The question put a halt on my train of thoughts. I slowly turn my head around and see that Leo’s mom staring at me with her calm feature as she keeps on setting the table for lunch.

“What? How? When?” was all that I wanted to say but the only thing that comes out from my mouth was “Huh?” Pretty lame doesn’t it? After all this time of practice and with self assure that if I was asked that kinda question, I’d be saying without a single hint of doubt in my mind “Yes, I love your son very much” and it boils down to “Huh?”. Yup, that pretty much puts it in the lame category indeed.

A forced smile and I finally said something coherent “Why do you ask such question auntie?” Never stop what she was doing, she said “You have that look in your face, your eye tells it all and I could see that smile Am.” I did not smile, well not that much and is it too obvious? Damn it!

Again I fell into a long discussion in my head trying to come up with at least a nay statement, something smart, something not too cynical and sarcastic, something which can let me out of the frying pan that I’m in at the moment. I did not have enough practice for sure as I am quite positive that my mouth is somewhat ajar and my shock still being plastered on my face.

Finally she stops and she has this sweet looking face ever and I could she that she was smiling all along this time. “Yes……yes, I love him very much.” I could not believe how easy it is for me to say such words. “He is a very special person in my heart and I wanted to be by his side through good and bad times”. I really need to stop myself now as I’m feeling light headed and giddy all at the same time.

“Oh shut up Amri, and do it now!” I wanted to tell my self that but I guess I just couldn’t, not now. Not when I can feel at ease and being accepted, finally.
She pulls up a chair next to mine and rested her hand on my forearm, squeezing it lightly, as if an approval, a confirmation that she understands and the she said “I’m glad that he found someone. I’m glad he found you Am. He talked so much about you over the phone.”

“You’re not angry at me?” Dumb question. I know but what the heck, right? I might as well make myself look stupid now then after. “Why should I? You have done nothing wrong. It’s been a long time since I saw him this happy. Thank you for looking after him Am.” “Well it’s not that hard, really I just keep him full and my work is done.” Her face changed, for a while. I knew it! I go over the edge when I let my guard down. Witty remarks, witty remarks..pronto!

A light pinch comes after a second or two of silent moment and I can her smile widens, “You rascal.” She said. Pheww! That was close. Mental note to self, never try anything like that in the near future, save it for later.
She gets up from the chair and as she pushed it back in, I manage to gather my courage and ask “You are not angry auntie?” “Why should I? You have done nothing wrong. You made my son happy, that is all that matters”. She ends it with a smile as she moves to the kitchen to continue making lunch.

I cast my gaze outside on the porch and see Leo playing with his niece. He stops for a while when he knew someone was watching and looked at me. His round feature, the dimples when he smile has ceased but I never grew tired of looking at him like that and he gave me that “What’s up” looked and I just smile back at him, my mouth utters a silent “I love you” and he does the same and we both just stare at each other. A gentle tug on the hem of his T-shirt and we broke our silent appreciation of each other and he continues playing with his niece.

It’s good to be alive right now and I thanked god for giving me this moment.


Hm….now how to make this into a not so seedy lovey dovey love story?

Bits and pieces....

I like to scribble stuff. I think over things way too much sometimes that I end up with too little or too much to say. I fumble on my words, I repeat myself over and over and over sometimes to emphasize my point of view. I got great things to say when I’m driving my car, when I’m on the flight or just having my shower but when I sit in front of the laptop, it doesn’t come out right as what I have thought it the first time. First time is always the best, be it in life (well you can only die once so that does not have much to debate about), first love, first kiss, first job, first salary, first newborn child, you get my drift. But then again, if you have time to sit down and rethink about the thing your first thought was good but it end up a little less below your expectation, first love, first kiss, first job, first salary (first death? No such things as you can’t actually hear people rave about their death experiences, do you?), you get my drift.(See? I’m actually talking in loop here) Something are better if we have time to re-do it, some just plain dumb luck.

But my point is that if we think too much about these things, how on earth are we gonna start living our life? If we let our perception of an ideal world where we live in, surely you will not be living your life to the fullest by now. Am I correct or am I correct?

So take life as it is and make things work to your liking as it is up to us to see how it fits our own concept. The occasional spoiler is sure to drop a few hiccups now and then but it can’t be all that bad, right?
Treasure the people, the friends, the things, the job you have right now and prosper. If you don’t like the way you live, then make a point to improve it. If it is not a milestone then a little changes to make your life a little bit more meaningful. Don’t bitch and moan and live as it you have no say in how your life should be. There’s always a choice.. even though it will not be as good as you want them to be but it is still choices.

What made me write this in the first place? I don’t know.. maybe something I read in the loo that spark my brain cells to start reflecting things in life or I’m just a silly dreamer who wish that the world he live in can use a little bit more colour and zest. Which book you say? Try reading Quiet Time by Johann S Lee. Mind you, that by the time I wrote this down, I’m nowhere near above the 20th……ops, my bad. Make that 23rd page. I felt it is too stereotype for the urm..same sex sexual orientation guys to have brand taste in their life from the things you wore to how your id(house interior decorations) should look. Heck to how your taste in music should be.. maybe it’s just me for being a bit distant from the norm of the not so norm but then again, you can’t blame a guy for not being in the crowd, right? See my second verse above.
I wrote too much of here and there for today..I know that I can’t stick to a topic but at least I try but then again the better part of me just know when to make fight or take flight which I must say I choose the latter. Adios then…have a great and wicked day.

Something new in 2010 but I'm still me..

It’s easy to lose track on what days of the week when you are onboard a ship where it is just days and nights and no land for miles to remind you of how it can connect to anything significant which can you remind you the day you are in.

One thing significant is that I bumped my head on a solid steel structure during my usual inspection and I choose that day to not wear my safety helmet, talk about irony. Got me disorientated for a while and thank god, no blood. The last time I bumped my head on a metal thrash collector was in 1981 and I bleed all over. Yikes, I don’t know what is more scary, the fact that it happen a long time ago and I remember it or the fact that I cried when my mom say I need a stitch on my head.

Again I linger on memories. What is up with me and my past. I agree that sometimes I got lost in them, trying to sort out my random access memory just so that I can make sense of where I’m heading or what I wanted in life, my life. Nothing will ever change my past. It just dictates what my action will be when I’m against a similar situation. Will I repeat myself or be brave enough to change it?

If I was Sad Like This..

Funny how when you can feel joy then turned to sadness when the person you shared your life with just feel sad? And the hardest part is that you are not there to comfort him/her and nothing you said get thru..
I am sad, yes and there is nothing I wouldn't do to see that smile again...

Where have I go

I have not been a very good blog writer. I take my time, I went AWOL and it's just so hard to find time to write nowadays.

So instead, I read what other people write and just be satisfied for the time being. My latest read..The Crow TPB by James O Barr. I watched the movie, all four of them. But nothing has prepared me when I read the book...such compelling story line, how he pours his heart out thru the visual and the written form. You can feel his pain and it affected me. It made me look at my life and those people I love most. Imagine losing the one you love when you still need them?

The thought is unbearable, too much to take that I stop thinking for awhile just to not let that thing bother me. Crap..and yes, I dwell too much about it now. Can't be helped, LOL. Damned me and my suckerness for melancholic reading material.

I take my leave now...I need to sleep on this and hope it will go away, fast. I can't take feeling like this for a long long time...my heart will cry out in pain.

Oh so scary experience number I don’t know how many…

I’m in Penang today, working as usual onboard a gambling ship (oh don’t give me the raised one eye-brow look). I said I was working not gambling..sheesh. Anyway, finished my job, take a shower in the cabin they provided for me and while me was lazying around waiting for a chance to get off from the vessel only after I agreed to have dinner with the lot of them (anything for the client as they are the ones who pay for my expenses later on).

Back to my story, I was haphazardly loitering inside the cabin and then there is this knock on the door. My door. Wow. Dinner time already and I’m just half-way thru my bag of Twisties. There stand this Thai woman (can’t use lady coz she just barge in my room and locked the door) what the hell?

Scratching my not so itchy scalp/head (I have less hair currently), “Massage time” she said. What massage? Did I order any? When? How? Why? Why? Why? Being polite here, so I move my stuff from the bed and help woman who is toying with the lights in my room. Is she doing maintenance or massage, now I’m confused? Was helping here and why the hell did I help? Had no idea and not gonna think about it either. Fix the light and I was on the edge of the bed facing my laptop, I was trying to work…well actually was watching this new anime I bought ehehehe and the women just spoils my fun time out.

Then she starts pressing my back with her fingers and her back on my back. How many back does it take to make people see my back? LOL. Not funny, I know. I was having this hectic cry for help in my head telling me, what the F**K shud I do? Can’t just slide down the bed coz there is no more space for me to run. Damn those people on the Bridge!

So I let her do her “Thai massage” (not enjoying it either) for about 15 minutes or so…but damn felt like an eternity before she said “Must start massage” (use a soft spoken Thai dialect while saying that)… thank God for no goose bumps…yet.

Ok, so the only thing that I can make her stop her move is to pay her and she might leave me alone...yeah, that might work. So I paid her for her “service” (which is the easiest money she ever made in her life at that moment).I need her to stop rubbing her front on my back…it hard to work with bumps ahead (get it? Bump ahead? No...Ah forget it!)

I am not going to let that kinda things put my day off…its creepy, the only part I let the opposite sex touch is my feet (reflexology) and my hair (hair cut) and nothing below the torso and above the knee. So to shake the frightening images off is for me to run, run like the wind but I can’t do that since I’m onboard the ship. What’s left? Eat I guess (there goes my diet)

So, see ya next time when the shivers gone…I’ll be back.

Malasku menjadi jadi (nasib baik tak jadi Incredible Hulk)

Apa punya panjang daa tajuk kali nih. Samada aku terlalu rajin atau aku saja saja buat rajin atau memang saja tak rajin tapi sebab nak rajin punya pasal aku tulih jugak.

Dah berkampung semula kat Pasir Gudang, Johor buat minggu kedua carta surveyor pop-ular maka tiada apa yang dapat aku nak mengomel selain daripada lepas balik keja, makan dan tido. Ada la tengok TV jap pastu TV tgk aku sampai ke pagi. Bermoral sungguh ya.

Ni pun menulis sebab bukan kerna nama kekekek, tapi sebab nak isi ruang-ruang kosong selama 2 minggu tak meluahkan isi hati yang tak seberapa sedap (saya tak makan hati atau apa apa organ dalaman, betulllllll). Tapi ada juga terbaca kat mana tah pasal komen orang yang tulih blog ni. Memang semua orang ada pandangan berbeza tapi tak semestinya apa yang kita kata pada orang lain boleh diterima pakai sepenuhnya kan kan kan? Tepuk lah dada, tanya lah selera. Orang boleh cakap apa yang mereka nak cakap, keputusannya kita yang amik sendiri.

Beralih topik yang lain pulak...lagi 3 minggu campur tolak, akan berangkat lah saya dan ehehehe..tak yah bagitau, nanti orang banyak komen...ke Bali untuk menghabiskan stok cuti tahun lepas dan tahun ni skit. Dari perbincangan tertutup dua belah pihak, maka persetujuan telah dicapai dimana akan mengikuti tour sambil belajar, makan di beri percuma, so apa lagi amik je lah..hotel pun boleh gagah...duduk pun kat area dimana senang nak gerak sana sini tanpa perlu kenderaan, apa lagi mau. Bali here I coming (bukan ayat salah ye, saja salahkan ia).

Last time gi Bandung dari Jakarta naik ketapi kira-kira 2 tahun lepas..best jugak tripnya...banyak la jugak borong baju-bajuan, orang Malaysia memang bercambah kiri kanan, semua pegang beg kiri kanan sampei tak ingat dunia (mentang-mentang murah). Aku? Aku ok saja (mana boleh citer keburukan diri sendiri, gilo ko).

Penatnya...nak mandi jap kat Yard, pastu balik makan la kut. Malas la pulak nak pi parti kat Kapal pasal apa? Hari ni pakai T-shirt cokia saja...segan la nak berposing dgn orang orang besar atas kapal kelak kekekekek. Last minute baru cakap...saja la tuh tak nak bagi aku pi.....

Sampai di sini saja laporan terkini, secara langsung dari opis sementara kat Pasir Gudang...ada apa2 citer menarik, saya kobarkan lah laie...Wassalam.