It's almost Hari Raya Aidil Fitri, end of a month long fasting season. Correction, make that this is the 2nd hari Raya and I'm somewhat out from the house, after having 3, make that 2.5 chicken wings and 2 cups of honey tea and several chit chats later this comes to surface.
What else is new you say? Hm..how should I put it in a nice, not so in your face tone that will leave you breathless...still thinking....still thinking...and here I am still thinking about what to say. Skip that, I'll be moving on to the lighter side of me, which is not that light (still somewhat above 60kg i think). What the hell, who am I kidding, I don't have a clue about what to write today and being observed by a living and breathing talking dictionary does not help one bit..ok, I lied it helped but not in a way that is urm.....ok, gonna stop there or i'll get a silly smack. Being silly does help by the way...to a certain extent but not today..today is wayyy public for such drama. Did I say drama, I meant oh I just need to learn to shut up when I'm ahead of myself.
So, just wanted to wish a Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir and they leave the Batin out of it this year. I mean, what's up with that?
Peace out and oh for crying out loud, get a life! :p . Oh I'm kidding about the get a life part...joking sket la.Why so serious meh!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
What else is new?
Honestly? I'm not not going to apologize for not being heard for quite sometimes..months passes by and I'm still here. Still feeling a little out of place and out of space and I can't figure out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life, career wise I mean. Hm.....better not get any crazy ideas for now but I always wanted to venture into the graphic art scene just to express and pour my heart out in a positive and making money out of it. It's true, why be passive when you can be active, right?
Speaking of which, I still have some active job screaming for attention, later dudes...adios amigos!
Speaking of which, I still have some active job screaming for attention, later dudes...adios amigos!
Monday, January 25, 2010
If life were this easy.......
“You love my son don’t you?” The question put a halt on my train of thoughts. I slowly turn my head around and see that Leo’s mom staring at me with her calm feature as she keeps on setting the table for lunch.
“What? How? When?” was all that I wanted to say but the only thing that comes out from my mouth was “Huh?” Pretty lame doesn’t it? After all this time of practice and with self assure that if I was asked that kinda question, I’d be saying without a single hint of doubt in my mind “Yes, I love your son very much” and it boils down to “Huh?”. Yup, that pretty much puts it in the lame category indeed.
A forced smile and I finally said something coherent “Why do you ask such question auntie?” Never stop what she was doing, she said “You have that look in your face, your eye tells it all and I could see that smile Am.” I did not smile, well not that much and is it too obvious? Damn it!
Again I fell into a long discussion in my head trying to come up with at least a nay statement, something smart, something not too cynical and sarcastic, something which can let me out of the frying pan that I’m in at the moment. I did not have enough practice for sure as I am quite positive that my mouth is somewhat ajar and my shock still being plastered on my face.
Finally she stops and she has this sweet looking face ever and I could she that she was smiling all along this time. “Yes……yes, I love him very much.” I could not believe how easy it is for me to say such words. “He is a very special person in my heart and I wanted to be by his side through good and bad times”. I really need to stop myself now as I’m feeling light headed and giddy all at the same time.
“Oh shut up Amri, and do it now!” I wanted to tell my self that but I guess I just couldn’t, not now. Not when I can feel at ease and being accepted, finally.
She pulls up a chair next to mine and rested her hand on my forearm, squeezing it lightly, as if an approval, a confirmation that she understands and the she said “I’m glad that he found someone. I’m glad he found you Am. He talked so much about you over the phone.”
“You’re not angry at me?” Dumb question. I know but what the heck, right? I might as well make myself look stupid now then after. “Why should I? You have done nothing wrong. It’s been a long time since I saw him this happy. Thank you for looking after him Am.” “Well it’s not that hard, really I just keep him full and my work is done.” Her face changed, for a while. I knew it! I go over the edge when I let my guard down. Witty remarks, witty remarks..pronto!
A light pinch comes after a second or two of silent moment and I can her smile widens, “You rascal.” She said. Pheww! That was close. Mental note to self, never try anything like that in the near future, save it for later.
She gets up from the chair and as she pushed it back in, I manage to gather my courage and ask “You are not angry auntie?” “Why should I? You have done nothing wrong. You made my son happy, that is all that matters”. She ends it with a smile as she moves to the kitchen to continue making lunch.
I cast my gaze outside on the porch and see Leo playing with his niece. He stops for a while when he knew someone was watching and looked at me. His round feature, the dimples when he smile has ceased but I never grew tired of looking at him like that and he gave me that “What’s up” looked and I just smile back at him, my mouth utters a silent “I love you” and he does the same and we both just stare at each other. A gentle tug on the hem of his T-shirt and we broke our silent appreciation of each other and he continues playing with his niece.
It’s good to be alive right now and I thanked god for giving me this moment.
Hm….now how to make this into a not so seedy lovey dovey love story?
“What? How? When?” was all that I wanted to say but the only thing that comes out from my mouth was “Huh?” Pretty lame doesn’t it? After all this time of practice and with self assure that if I was asked that kinda question, I’d be saying without a single hint of doubt in my mind “Yes, I love your son very much” and it boils down to “Huh?”. Yup, that pretty much puts it in the lame category indeed.
A forced smile and I finally said something coherent “Why do you ask such question auntie?” Never stop what she was doing, she said “You have that look in your face, your eye tells it all and I could see that smile Am.” I did not smile, well not that much and is it too obvious? Damn it!
Again I fell into a long discussion in my head trying to come up with at least a nay statement, something smart, something not too cynical and sarcastic, something which can let me out of the frying pan that I’m in at the moment. I did not have enough practice for sure as I am quite positive that my mouth is somewhat ajar and my shock still being plastered on my face.
Finally she stops and she has this sweet looking face ever and I could she that she was smiling all along this time. “Yes……yes, I love him very much.” I could not believe how easy it is for me to say such words. “He is a very special person in my heart and I wanted to be by his side through good and bad times”. I really need to stop myself now as I’m feeling light headed and giddy all at the same time.
“Oh shut up Amri, and do it now!” I wanted to tell my self that but I guess I just couldn’t, not now. Not when I can feel at ease and being accepted, finally.
She pulls up a chair next to mine and rested her hand on my forearm, squeezing it lightly, as if an approval, a confirmation that she understands and the she said “I’m glad that he found someone. I’m glad he found you Am. He talked so much about you over the phone.”
“You’re not angry at me?” Dumb question. I know but what the heck, right? I might as well make myself look stupid now then after. “Why should I? You have done nothing wrong. It’s been a long time since I saw him this happy. Thank you for looking after him Am.” “Well it’s not that hard, really I just keep him full and my work is done.” Her face changed, for a while. I knew it! I go over the edge when I let my guard down. Witty remarks, witty remarks..pronto!
A light pinch comes after a second or two of silent moment and I can her smile widens, “You rascal.” She said. Pheww! That was close. Mental note to self, never try anything like that in the near future, save it for later.
She gets up from the chair and as she pushed it back in, I manage to gather my courage and ask “You are not angry auntie?” “Why should I? You have done nothing wrong. You made my son happy, that is all that matters”. She ends it with a smile as she moves to the kitchen to continue making lunch.
I cast my gaze outside on the porch and see Leo playing with his niece. He stops for a while when he knew someone was watching and looked at me. His round feature, the dimples when he smile has ceased but I never grew tired of looking at him like that and he gave me that “What’s up” looked and I just smile back at him, my mouth utters a silent “I love you” and he does the same and we both just stare at each other. A gentle tug on the hem of his T-shirt and we broke our silent appreciation of each other and he continues playing with his niece.
It’s good to be alive right now and I thanked god for giving me this moment.
Hm….now how to make this into a not so seedy lovey dovey love story?
Bits and pieces....
I like to scribble stuff. I think over things way too much sometimes that I end up with too little or too much to say. I fumble on my words, I repeat myself over and over and over sometimes to emphasize my point of view. I got great things to say when I’m driving my car, when I’m on the flight or just having my shower but when I sit in front of the laptop, it doesn’t come out right as what I have thought it the first time. First time is always the best, be it in life (well you can only die once so that does not have much to debate about), first love, first kiss, first job, first salary, first newborn child, you get my drift. But then again, if you have time to sit down and rethink about the thing your first thought was good but it end up a little less below your expectation, first love, first kiss, first job, first salary (first death? No such things as you can’t actually hear people rave about their death experiences, do you?), you get my drift.(See? I’m actually talking in loop here) Something are better if we have time to re-do it, some just plain dumb luck.
But my point is that if we think too much about these things, how on earth are we gonna start living our life? If we let our perception of an ideal world where we live in, surely you will not be living your life to the fullest by now. Am I correct or am I correct?
So take life as it is and make things work to your liking as it is up to us to see how it fits our own concept. The occasional spoiler is sure to drop a few hiccups now and then but it can’t be all that bad, right?
Treasure the people, the friends, the things, the job you have right now and prosper. If you don’t like the way you live, then make a point to improve it. If it is not a milestone then a little changes to make your life a little bit more meaningful. Don’t bitch and moan and live as it you have no say in how your life should be. There’s always a choice.. even though it will not be as good as you want them to be but it is still choices.
What made me write this in the first place? I don’t know.. maybe something I read in the loo that spark my brain cells to start reflecting things in life or I’m just a silly dreamer who wish that the world he live in can use a little bit more colour and zest. Which book you say? Try reading Quiet Time by Johann S Lee. Mind you, that by the time I wrote this down, I’m nowhere near above the 20th……ops, my bad. Make that 23rd page. I felt it is too stereotype for the urm..same sex sexual orientation guys to have brand taste in their life from the things you wore to how your id(house interior decorations) should look. Heck to how your taste in music should be.. maybe it’s just me for being a bit distant from the norm of the not so norm but then again, you can’t blame a guy for not being in the crowd, right? See my second verse above.
I wrote too much of here and there for today..I know that I can’t stick to a topic but at least I try but then again the better part of me just know when to make fight or take flight which I must say I choose the latter. Adios then…have a great and wicked day.
But my point is that if we think too much about these things, how on earth are we gonna start living our life? If we let our perception of an ideal world where we live in, surely you will not be living your life to the fullest by now. Am I correct or am I correct?
So take life as it is and make things work to your liking as it is up to us to see how it fits our own concept. The occasional spoiler is sure to drop a few hiccups now and then but it can’t be all that bad, right?
Treasure the people, the friends, the things, the job you have right now and prosper. If you don’t like the way you live, then make a point to improve it. If it is not a milestone then a little changes to make your life a little bit more meaningful. Don’t bitch and moan and live as it you have no say in how your life should be. There’s always a choice.. even though it will not be as good as you want them to be but it is still choices.
What made me write this in the first place? I don’t know.. maybe something I read in the loo that spark my brain cells to start reflecting things in life or I’m just a silly dreamer who wish that the world he live in can use a little bit more colour and zest. Which book you say? Try reading Quiet Time by Johann S Lee. Mind you, that by the time I wrote this down, I’m nowhere near above the 20th……ops, my bad. Make that 23rd page. I felt it is too stereotype for the urm..same sex sexual orientation guys to have brand taste in their life from the things you wore to how your id(house interior decorations) should look. Heck to how your taste in music should be.. maybe it’s just me for being a bit distant from the norm of the not so norm but then again, you can’t blame a guy for not being in the crowd, right? See my second verse above.
I wrote too much of here and there for today..I know that I can’t stick to a topic but at least I try but then again the better part of me just know when to make fight or take flight which I must say I choose the latter. Adios then…have a great and wicked day.
Something new in 2010 but I'm still me..
It’s easy to lose track on what days of the week when you are onboard a ship where it is just days and nights and no land for miles to remind you of how it can connect to anything significant which can you remind you the day you are in.
One thing significant is that I bumped my head on a solid steel structure during my usual inspection and I choose that day to not wear my safety helmet, talk about irony. Got me disorientated for a while and thank god, no blood. The last time I bumped my head on a metal thrash collector was in 1981 and I bleed all over. Yikes, I don’t know what is more scary, the fact that it happen a long time ago and I remember it or the fact that I cried when my mom say I need a stitch on my head.
Again I linger on memories. What is up with me and my past. I agree that sometimes I got lost in them, trying to sort out my random access memory just so that I can make sense of where I’m heading or what I wanted in life, my life. Nothing will ever change my past. It just dictates what my action will be when I’m against a similar situation. Will I repeat myself or be brave enough to change it?
One thing significant is that I bumped my head on a solid steel structure during my usual inspection and I choose that day to not wear my safety helmet, talk about irony. Got me disorientated for a while and thank god, no blood. The last time I bumped my head on a metal thrash collector was in 1981 and I bleed all over. Yikes, I don’t know what is more scary, the fact that it happen a long time ago and I remember it or the fact that I cried when my mom say I need a stitch on my head.
Again I linger on memories. What is up with me and my past. I agree that sometimes I got lost in them, trying to sort out my random access memory just so that I can make sense of where I’m heading or what I wanted in life, my life. Nothing will ever change my past. It just dictates what my action will be when I’m against a similar situation. Will I repeat myself or be brave enough to change it?
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