How do you make up for lost time? Or how do you get past years of your life and move on? Or how do you step out from the shadow that has been there for most part of your adulthood? All questions may not look the same but I tell you, it is intertwine and in somewhat awkward manner my life is currently facing that kind of predicament.
Tell you in a bit after I done my tank diving. Man my work sucks for the time being but the good news is I get to kick myself back in shape…albeit in a rude and unwanted way….my way.
Just finish for today’s job. I’m frickin’ tired and I need to rest. Will write, soon. Ok soon is over, I’m hungry. Skipped my dinner for a needful sleep which is not too shabby. Been going thru some not so new photos in my laptop when I was in Dubai, with my hubby. Its weird, it’s weird because I actually don’t know how I am supposed to feel after him and I are no longer together. Can I actually have a life after this? Its not that I never had a life, previously it was me and him….so seldom am I ever alone going out doing normal stuff that couples do.
I’m not regretting about my decision, I just find it a tad too out of the norm. Would I thrown away my past? My memories of him for the sake of a new relationship or should I just face the truth about my life now and take my past and carry it along with me. Without my past, how sure can I actually say that I made it all the way this time on my own?
When a question comes to you, do you throw away / trade the things you have now for something better in life? How would you answer it? I never throw away what I have in my life, I just try to make the best out of it and if somehow, somewhere along the way I forgot what I was doing it for, I keep reminding myself that this is because I want to be a better person. And if by trading what I have now, well it’s not a trade, more like a self realization that I can do better in my life by changing / altering it a bit why must I stop myself from doing it? In the end of the day, if I managed to improve my life…even if for just a bit, then so be it.
I did not throw away my life for nothing, I gained experience. Experience which taught me that life is not about being the same person who you are with…its about growing up with them, learn from them, loving them more each day. But that is not always the case when you are the one who actually have to do all of the learning and growing up and compromise.
Yes, I am sad about what happened in my life, period. But I knew that if I just give in to self pity…it would be even crueler to me, to him and our relationship. I just hope that the memories live on and I don’t have to run away from it now, God knows I ran for far too long. This is my life; this is the end of a chapter for me.
New ones begin. Hope I can see you there when I’m done. Sayonara.
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